Monday, September 5, 2011

At the moment

Beaches dominate my life at the moment. Not that I'm complaining, but its so surreal to think that I go to the beach once ever single day, usually twice! we live close enough to walk to four seprate beaches within 15 minutes. The Little Man is obsessed with the "teeny tiny rock beach", as we call it, that is a short walk through a wooded path behind our house. He has no idea how lucky he is to be growing up around so much nature! I'm becoming quite complacent about them, which is sad, but when we hit a new amazing beach, I can still get excited. Like the one we saw yesterday while we were away for the weekend - it was the right temperature outside, the sun was shinning, and we all enjoyed just playing in the sand and the waves. It was absolutely brilliant and I'm so glad we got the chance to do it! I need to remember that it won't be like this all year round either - we'll still go in the wet wintery season, but the experience will be so different. 
I'm dreading the winter already - cold, wet, dark days - so not good for my state of mind. Hopefully I will have found a way to achieve more balance in my life by then and I won't feel so gloomy and depressed. My goal is to find a way to be content and comfortable with that time of year - something I have struggled with since I was a teenager. I'm happy I don't have to deal with cold and snow anymore, but they at least get sunny days! The fact that its only the first weekend of September and I'm already thinking about it cannot be a good sign. 
I wonder how other bloggers can be so eloquent about their lives on here - I always end up sounding like such a cry baby, oh woe is me....
Being away this weekend has been so good for all of us. The Little Man and I needed a break from our regular routine so badly, especially me. We all found it a bit weird the first day, a new place to get settled in, but are comfortable now. It makes me really appreciate our life in the city being way out here, but also understand why people live out here. The quiet is lovely. It gives me time to really think, instead of just being in my head all day wandering and worrying. I realize how lazy I get in my day to day life, how easy it is to just keep on keeping on without doing anything to feel better. I love my life, our life, in so many ways - our house, our city, our growing community of friends, our lifestyle, how simple things can really be - but I am also unhappy in so many other ways. I don't even know if unhappy is the right word - there's so much confusion around what I should be doing/feeling/living like/looking like, that I sometimes get lost in what I need, what I want, and what feels right for me and my family. I'm a stay at home mum - that's a hard thing to do! to find any separation between your "work" and the rest of your life is almost impossible. Especially for someone like me who has never found it easy to put myself first. I'm getting lost in all of this. I feel bored, uninspired, and frustrated so much of the time, but don't want to go back  to work or put him in childcare. Even part time is nauseating. I really want to feel good about being home, about what we're spending our time doing, about the gift we're giving each other. I don't want my time off from being a mum to be spent working. But more money would be so nice and more independence. But would i feel better if I just took some time each week to go to a fitness class, a yoga class, or did something with my friends? Would that help? I don't even know anymore. I just don't want my little boy to be ruined by an unhappy, bored mother - that's a waste of anyone's time! 
I always feel so inspired and ready to make a change when I'm away from home. But once we're back in the reality of it all, it gets lost and it only ends up giving me something else to beat myself up about. I think I need to break it all down into much smaller, achievable goals, something I can feel good about instead of more ammunition to kick my own ass with and get frustrated over. My  best friend and I have a plan to set some goals together and help each other reach them - let's see how that goes! now I just need to narrow it down to a measurable number!!!