Monday, March 21, 2011

filling a hole...

Plug Hole, England

Its yet another grey day and I can't help but think how much this winter has kicked my ass. We've barely seen the sun, the wind blows a constant chill through all of us, and it doesn't feel like spring will ever come back! I have always had a hard time with winter - the short dark days, the cold, the stir craziness, the dreariness of it all - and I have yet to find a way to shake it off. I go into each winter hoping this year will be better, only to come out in March feeling beaten and so depressed. Maybe I do have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), might need to get that checked out. I loved winter when I was a kid, so maybe as the Little Man gets older, I will find ways to enjoy it again, but right now, I'm not happy and its only getting more frustrating.
I am finding life really hard lately and I don't know why. I keep eating to try and fill the hole in my soul...sounds so silly really, but that's what it feels like. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing little boy who brings me more joy (and more fear and anxiety and frustration) then I ever could have imagined, with some great new friends and we live in a wonderful part of the world- what do I have to complain about?!!!! I think that's what's making it even harder for me to feel like this - like something's missing, or I'm not doing enough. I've put on the pounds this winter from my diet of carbs, chocolate, cookies and homemade goodies. I haven't had enough vegetables, or fruit or anything that really resembles healthy eating. I'm sure a therapist would look at me and see right away that something is off - why can't I put my finger on it so I can fix it?!! I know the sleep deprivation is one thing - I'm tired and I feel like a failure for not being able to get my child to sleep better, or for even trying to change anything. Sleep deprivation does lead to weight gain, so they say. Of course, weight gain only slams my already weak self esteem even more - why don't I take better care of myself, I look horrible, I am so un-sexy and unattractive, who would want me really?!! I know I'm using my role as a mother to hide behind my own priorities, but why? I'm afraid to speak up, even to R. My mom just keeps telling me I need to get more people in my life, which is another obvious solution, but not one I seem to be able to solve very well. I think about signing us up for a program for Luke, but he hasn't been into it and I am not sure which ones would suit us both. After the debacle with the swimming lessons in the summer, I must admit I am totally gunshy about joining something. and he can be so shy sometimes and scared around new people - I don't know how to set it up so he feels comfortable and also learns that its ok to be around new people. trying new things isn't something he's scared of, just the people.
I feel guilty about so many things- not bringing more people into Luke's life,not being able to help him sleep better, not being able to stop the breastfeeding or bed sharing, not socializing him more, keeping him away from his extended family, not going away with him or going out to eat more often, on and on and on- part of being a parent I know, but when I'm already down, the guilt only increases.
I feel like I'm on such a downward spiral, I don't know how to catch myself. How to feel energetic, happy, useful, productive, interesting/interested, beautiful, connected, calm, alive again. Then, on the other hand, I don't want to put so much pressure on myself to be amazing either - can I not just be myself and that be enough? But who am I when I'm being myself? the self I want to be!?! The one I am right now isn't it!! I don't like being tired, scared, lazy, unmotivated, anxious, uncertain, lost. I need some direction, some help, some guidance to shake this off and get out there and start living life again. I'm tired of waiting for life to happen to me, for it to sort itself out, for L to learn how to do it differently on his own, for R to tell me I'm amazing and wonderful all the time and do more around the house on his own. I need to stop feeling like life is running away with me,with us, and figure out which things I can do something about and which things I simply need to let go of or accept. I'm not saying this is going to be easy, but its a much better road for me to be on then sitting around worrying about messing up my child, ruining my relationship with R, and totally losing myself in all of it.
Life feels so hard sometimes, but I'm not dealing with the aftermath of an earthquake (knock on wood!!) or a flood or with so many other challenging things I could be facing, so I need to be grateful for the life I have and the opportunity to make it even better. Need to be gentler with myself though and set up some goals to go for and see what I can do from there.

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