Sunday, March 27, 2011

all talk and no action....

I don't know who to talk to about everything that's going on in my head these days. I need to process whatever it is I am going through and I have a hard enough time putting it into words in my own head, let alone explain it to someone else. I'm tired of coming back to the same issues - lack of confidence, self esteem, not knowing how to be myself completely (especially in my new role as a mother), how to speak up, how to not be afraid or anxious as much, exercise more, eat better, make more friends, connect better with R again, on and on and on. Its like a broken record. I found some old journals from a few years ago and I was saying the same things then - exercise more, eat better, be better in general - how can I just be happy with who I am when I don't know who that is?!! or who I want to be?!! I always end up wallowing, feeling like I'm suffocating in my own inadequacies or lack of motivation or inspiration or energy or whatever it is this week. I stopped worrying so much about the sleep stuff and now pour all that fear and doubt into my relationship with R and how we don't connect the way we used to and how I can fix it - but its not about that either. It's about being happy to be myself, but also remembering that I am taking care of a toddler full time and we have no family here to help us out and I have yet to organize a babysitter, so life is pretty full just on its own.
Its like I have all these little boxes that need to be checked off everyday, every week - did we get some couple time, did R and the Little Man have some time, did we both get some alone time, did I eat well, did I exercise enough, did we see our friends, did we have some family time - and if I don't check them all off, then there's something wrong with me, and i'm failing on some level. or lots of levels! so I set myself up to fail so I can beat myself up - lovely. And I have been doing this for a very long time - even when I was a kid. Now I need to stop and figure out what makes me happy, what helps me feel more grounded and settled on a daily basis, and what I can do something about and what I have to let go of.
I'm so worried about saying something or doing something that will upset R, put him in one of his bad moods, that I end up doing nothing and feeling anxious because of it. I'm allowed to speak my mind or say I'm going for a run or need some space or ask for help around the house. My inner assumption is that if someone gets mad, they will leave, so I don't want to risk it. and because I'm not my best self these days, I worry he doesn't even have a good reason to stay, other than his adorable son of course! I feel clingy, highly strung, needy, and lost - nothing that can be very appealing to someone living with me. Sure, I make him tea and take care of things around the house and spend the day with our son, but can that be enough? I want to be fun, energetic, interesting, full of good stuff to talk about, braver, and more in tune with myself - am I putting too much pressure on myself to be that person? I think she's already in there, I've just covered her up under fear, laziness, anxiety, and boredom. and I could go the rest of my life like this - but I don't want to. I need to accept that life is tough right now, but stop being so negative and afraid and just do something about it!!
what can I do right now, in this moment, today, this week, to be more authentic? I can continue to go running three times a week. I can connect with my friends again this week. I can sign us up for a class. I can set up a date with R again - a walk or just a movie together at home. I can stop eating so much crap, get it out of the house altogether, and find a new way to feed myself that isn't a diet or restrictive and painful. I can make more time to read my books, to learn something new. I can make time to find some work I can do from home. I can find a way to meet new people. I can get us out for longer walks now that its getting nice out again. I can get my family out for a walk every weekend somewhere - research some in the area and just go. I can research a few holiday options for us for this summer - then we know how much, how far, what there is to do, where we'd like to go. I can encourage R to set up a family playdate with some of the people he works with who are really nice. I can let go of the perfect image i have of myself and my life. I can take a few minutes to just breath and be grateful for how lucky I am.

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