I am tired of beating myself up about it though too - I'm a mom of a very busy toddler and we have no family nearby to give us any help, and sleep is scarce, so its no wonder I'm finding it hard to connect with the authentic me. But I need to find some way, however tiny, to give myself a chance. Some time on my own, some time alone with R, some time with girlfriends, and some way to give myself some credit for the things I am achieving at the moment.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I don't like January, I never have. When I used to live out east, it was because of the cold and the snow and how winter would wrap itself around my neck and slowly suffocate me. Living on the West Coast means a lot less snow and cold, but the constant grey and wet can really bring me down. This year it seems particularly bad - I don't know if its a combination of things or the lack of sleep or being home with the Little Man - but its been a very long month and I'm really ready for spring to start to show up. I don't think I can take much more. What with R dealing with work issues again, after finally moving away from the 18 months of uncertainty we lived through last year, and our landlord deciding to sell the house we're renting in, I really feel like the Universe is trying to teach me something and I am tired of trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm already down and getting really sick of living in negativity and fear. Really sick of it. I feel like these days I spend 75% of my time feeling angry, frustrated, overwhelmed or anxious - not where I want my energy to be spent. But, to be honest, I've been living life in that zone for so long now, I can't remember how to do it any other way. And I need to. I can't go on like this anymore, I feel like I'm wasting my life and not living it as the best version of myself.