Monday, January 31, 2011
I'm so happy to see the end of January 2011, it has done me no favours. We have been dealing with work uncertainty on R's part once again, colds for all of us, and me being obsessed with sleep or lack there of and I need a new start. I need some sunshine, I need some fun, I need to feel that hope and excitement about life again and I'm hoping as we move into spring, it will start to come back for me. for all of us. R has had so much shit to deal with around work - the 18 months before we moved here were full of uncertainty and security and he had thought the new place was going to fix that. But, things have changed there so fast and so badly that he's reeling and has no idea what's going to happen next. He knew it wasn't going to be a place he'd stay forever, but he was happy enough to bide his time and figure out our next step. Now, he's not sure how much he can tolerate and whether there will be any other options. And as a result, he's in a totally bad head space and it only leaves me anxious and scared- for him , for us, for our little life here. And the worst part about it is that I don't know how to help him- I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know what to do to make it better or to relieve some of his stress and it only adds to mine. I feel like I'm annoying him, that he is getting sick of all my anxiety and paranoia and fear and will just go. I don't feel like someone who anyone would want to be with right now - there, I said it. I feel pathetic and I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself and living in negativity and fear, but that's how I'm feeling these days. Maybe by putting it out there, the Universe will help me find a way to get back to a positive way of thinking and living.