Monday, January 31, 2011
I'm so happy to see the end of January 2011, it has done me no favours. We have been dealing with work uncertainty on R's part once again, colds for all of us, and me being obsessed with sleep or lack there of and I need a new start. I need some sunshine, I need some fun, I need to feel that hope and excitement about life again and I'm hoping as we move into spring, it will start to come back for me. for all of us. R has had so much shit to deal with around work - the 18 months before we moved here were full of uncertainty and security and he had thought the new place was going to fix that. But, things have changed there so fast and so badly that he's reeling and has no idea what's going to happen next. He knew it wasn't going to be a place he'd stay forever, but he was happy enough to bide his time and figure out our next step. Now, he's not sure how much he can tolerate and whether there will be any other options. And as a result, he's in a totally bad head space and it only leaves me anxious and scared- for him , for us, for our little life here. And the worst part about it is that I don't know how to help him- I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know what to do to make it better or to relieve some of his stress and it only adds to mine. I feel like I'm annoying him, that he is getting sick of all my anxiety and paranoia and fear and will just go. I don't feel like someone who anyone would want to be with right now - there, I said it. I feel pathetic and I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself and living in negativity and fear, but that's how I'm feeling these days. Maybe by putting it out there, the Universe will help me find a way to get back to a positive way of thinking and living.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I don't like January, I never have. When I used to live out east, it was because of the cold and the snow and how winter would wrap itself around my neck and slowly suffocate me. Living on the West Coast means a lot less snow and cold, but the constant grey and wet can really bring me down. This year it seems particularly bad - I don't know if its a combination of things or the lack of sleep or being home with the Little Man - but its been a very long month and I'm really ready for spring to start to show up. I don't think I can take much more. What with R dealing with work issues again, after finally moving away from the 18 months of uncertainty we lived through last year, and our landlord deciding to sell the house we're renting in, I really feel like the Universe is trying to teach me something and I am tired of trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm already down and getting really sick of living in negativity and fear. Really sick of it. I feel like these days I spend 75% of my time feeling angry, frustrated, overwhelmed or anxious - not where I want my energy to be spent. But, to be honest, I've been living life in that zone for so long now, I can't remember how to do it any other way. And I need to. I can't go on like this anymore, I feel like I'm wasting my life and not living it as the best version of myself.
I am tired of beating myself up about it though too - I'm a mom of a very busy toddler and we have no family nearby to give us any help, and sleep is scarce, so its no wonder I'm finding it hard to connect with the authentic me. But I need to find some way, however tiny, to give myself a chance. Some time on my own, some time alone with R, some time with girlfriends, and some way to give myself some credit for the things I am achieving at the moment.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I have a child who doesn't sleep very well. Since he was born, he has gone through every night waking up every two hours (or sooner), every single night. We've had a few freak moments where he went for four or five hours, but they can be counted on one hand. He's been sleeping in our bed, with us, since he was 5 months old. We tried to move him into the crib then from his bassinet but his sleeping got even worse, so I caved and let him into our bed. I've actually loved having him there, despite the guilt I feel about giving in. He is still breastfeeding and can only get to sleep with the boob. Dad is not allowed to be involved, he only makes the Little Man freak out even more. So, putting him to bed has been my job since he was born and I'm on duty all night long - after being on duty all day long. I go between feeling good about sticking to my decisions about not letting him cry it out and feeling like such a fool because I've created this situation where he's totally dependent on me and I'm too scared to change it. After almost two years of not sleeping, I don't have the energy to even think about what its going to take to wean him and get him sleeping on his own in his own room. Maybe he will surprise me and it will end up being a relatively straight forward process - but I'm guessing he will fight it with every last ounce of energy he has. I'm sure that's just the lack of sleeping talking, but it does make it really hard to get motivated to make a change and stick to it.
I've never really talked about any of this with anyone before, I've been too embarrassed and ashamed. But I think about it all the time. ALL THE TIME. And I wish with all my heart that there was some easier way to change this, that he would just fix it all on his own for us and then we could move on. He's gotten too big for our bed and wakes himself up all the time running into one of us. He needs more space and so do we. I sleep on the edge in the weirdest positions, waking up with sore hips and back every morning, and could sleep for days to be honest, if I was allowed. We don't do anything at night because he often wakes up a couple times even before we go to bed - I'm lucky to get to sit through an hour tv show, let alone a movie. I can't plan anything because who knows how the night will go. My friend says I need to plan to take a night once a week away and let Dad put him into bed, but I'm so not ready for that. I don't know how I will ever be ready for any of this. But I do know, if it goes on much longer, I will lose my mind and it will end up coming from a place of anger and bitterness, instead of love and support.
I have no idea how its all going to play out, but I am going to start to move towards making it a reality - somehow. I just wish I had more support close by.