Saturday, October 2, 2010

What a week

My computer is acting up and driving me crazy - not what I need right now!! The Little Man is asleep and all I want to do is use this time productively and technology just gets in my way and makes me angry. After a week of early mornings starting before 6am, a lack of social interaction with grown ups due to poor scheduling on my part, and too much time in my head, I just need a break - I mean, really. All I wanted to do was watch Grey's Anatomy online and even that feels impossible right now. I miss it on Thursday nights because we watch Fringe instead, R's favorite show. I try to use nap time to catch up on things, like email and surfing and thinking, but this week, I've slept everyday due to total exhaustion. And to top it off, R had to work today, Saturday, which is a good thing financially, but not a good thing emotionally or mentally for me. I'm probably hormonal, definitely lonely, and all these emotions make sense - doesn't make it any easier to have a week like this and not feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I need someone impartial, like my wonderful therapist in Vancouver was. If only she would move here and let me see her once a week for free, I'm sure I'd feel a hundred times better!

I'm finding that the running is really helping, but I only do it three times a week. If my body and my family could handle more, I would probably aim to go five times a week, but I'm not there yet. With long nights of broken sleep this week, I find myself laying awake rethinking all the decisions we have made about sharing our bed, still breastfeeding him, and everything else, and it doesn't make for very confident days. We haven't changed anything because it feels like too much work to make any significant changes - I'm too tired to even think about having to get out of bed 3-5 times a night to help him back to sleep if he's in his own room. I guess we're just not to a breaking point yet and still feel the resolve to stay committed to our original goals. New parents are tired - probably till he's about 3 or 4 years old, I would think. It's a normal part of raising kids. But man oh man is it tough!!! I used to worry about him getting too upset if we tried to rock the boat - now I'm more worried about how much work will be required, and determination, and commitment and I don't feel like I have much of those at all these days.
Whew. needed this space to vent a bit and feel better already. I don't know how I will find more confidence as a parent, or the time to do everything, or even the ability to just let it go - let me know if you have any ideas!

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