I really want to write on here more often, but never seem to find the time. The little man's naps are getting shorter, which means my Me Time is shrinking as well, just when I was getting used to having it. I always want to use this time well, but end up faffing around and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. It might help if I knew what I wanted.
I'm always amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I go through in a normal week. In the moment, it always feels like the be all and end all of everything. But once I am able to talk it through with someone or just simply come out the other side, I realize how silly i have been, how wrapped up in it all I can get when there's no reason. And I'm tired of finding myself stressing and obsessing over all the same things, year after year. When will I figure it out? When will I learn not to let it take over? When will I learn that life doesn't have to be spent worrying, being overwhelmed, and not havign any confidence in myself or my decisions. My therapist said my big goal is to figure out what I really want and set up a game plan to reach for my dreams and goals - then the anxiety and fear and uncertainty may actually diminish. If only it could be that simple. If only I could figure out what it is I want out of my life. Why does that have to be so hard? why do I have to constantly question what I want or why I don't have enough money to make it happen right away?!
Here's a list for today:
- a house of our own in a nice neighbourhood like this one, with a yard, and space to make it our own
- friends to spend time with during the week and on the weekends; friends for all three of us
- a project of my own, something creative that I have time for, that allows me to learn something new
- a healthy, fit body and soul
- my relationship with R to find its way to a new connection, for us to have time just the two of us
- a way to make some money without having to go back to work; something i can do from home, that feels useful
- money to spend on new clothes, fun stuff for the Little Man
- a holiday - to Salt Spring island, England, Italy, Hawaii, New Zealand
- confidence in myself, my parenting skills, my decisions for me and my family;self esteem
- time on my own to regroup, relax, and recharge regularly
- more energy, more inspiration, more motivation
- a chance to go golfing again
- to be able to tell the future so I can breath better