Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Love this time of year

I love this time of year. I love the fresh air, the colours, the smell in the air. I always feel inspired, but once again, I'm finding I have nowhere to pour it into.
I really want to write on here more often, but never seem to find the time. The little man's naps are getting shorter, which means my Me Time is shrinking as well, just when I was getting used to having it. I always want to use this time well, but end up faffing around and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. It might help if I knew what I wanted.
I'm always amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I go through in a normal week. In the moment, it always feels like the be all and end all of everything. But once I am able to talk it through with someone or just simply come out the other side, I realize how silly i have been, how wrapped up in it all I can get when there's no reason. And I'm tired of finding myself stressing and obsessing over all the same things, year after year. When will I figure it out? When will I learn not to let it take over? When will I learn that life doesn't have to be spent worrying, being overwhelmed, and not havign any confidence in myself or my decisions. My therapist said my big goal is to figure out what I really want and set up a game plan to reach for my dreams and goals - then the anxiety and fear and uncertainty may actually diminish. If only it could be that simple. If only I could figure out what it is I want out of my life. Why does that have to be so hard? why do I have to constantly question what I want or why I don't have enough money to make it happen right away?!
Here's a list for today:
  • a house of our own in a nice neighbourhood like this one, with a yard, and space to make it our own
  • friends to spend time with during the week and on the weekends; friends for all three of us
  • a project of my own, something creative that I have time for, that allows me to learn something new
  • a healthy, fit body and soul
  • my relationship with R to find its way to a new connection, for us to have time just the two of us
  • a way to make some money without having to go back to work; something i can do from home, that feels useful
  • money to spend on new clothes, fun stuff for the Little Man
  • a holiday - to Salt Spring island, England, Italy, Hawaii, New Zealand
  • confidence in myself, my parenting skills, my decisions for me and my family;self esteem
  • time on my own to regroup, relax, and recharge regularly
  • more energy, more inspiration, more motivation
  • a chance to go golfing again
  • to be able to tell the future so I can breath better
I guess I have a few things on my mind when I sit and think about it!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

What a week

My computer is acting up and driving me crazy - not what I need right now!! The Little Man is asleep and all I want to do is use this time productively and technology just gets in my way and makes me angry. After a week of early mornings starting before 6am, a lack of social interaction with grown ups due to poor scheduling on my part, and too much time in my head, I just need a break - I mean, really. All I wanted to do was watch Grey's Anatomy online and even that feels impossible right now. I miss it on Thursday nights because we watch Fringe instead, R's favorite show. I try to use nap time to catch up on things, like email and surfing and thinking, but this week, I've slept everyday due to total exhaustion. And to top it off, R had to work today, Saturday, which is a good thing financially, but not a good thing emotionally or mentally for me. I'm probably hormonal, definitely lonely, and all these emotions make sense - doesn't make it any easier to have a week like this and not feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I need someone impartial, like my wonderful therapist in Vancouver was. If only she would move here and let me see her once a week for free, I'm sure I'd feel a hundred times better!

I'm finding that the running is really helping, but I only do it three times a week. If my body and my family could handle more, I would probably aim to go five times a week, but I'm not there yet. With long nights of broken sleep this week, I find myself laying awake rethinking all the decisions we have made about sharing our bed, still breastfeeding him, and everything else, and it doesn't make for very confident days. We haven't changed anything because it feels like too much work to make any significant changes - I'm too tired to even think about having to get out of bed 3-5 times a night to help him back to sleep if he's in his own room. I guess we're just not to a breaking point yet and still feel the resolve to stay committed to our original goals. New parents are tired - probably till he's about 3 or 4 years old, I would think. It's a normal part of raising kids. But man oh man is it tough!!! I used to worry about him getting too upset if we tried to rock the boat - now I'm more worried about how much work will be required, and determination, and commitment and I don't feel like I have much of those at all these days.
Whew. needed this space to vent a bit and feel better already. I don't know how I will find more confidence as a parent, or the time to do everything, or even the ability to just let it go - let me know if you have any ideas!