Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ache

I'm torn between going to have a nap with the Little man or enjoying some downtime on my own...I don't seem to need a sleep in the day the way I used to, maybe that means he is sleeping better. Or maybe I'm just aching for a little me time. I always give so much of myself to both my men and everyone else in my life, and always put myself second, or third or farther down the list. I don't feel like I deserve to do anything for me first - it's even more so now that I have a child to take care of. I can always put him first and feel no guilt. It gives me every excuse I need to continue to ignore me.
But lately, I've been feeling an ache for something more - it is coming right from my core. My life in general is wonderful right now - we moved to a wonderful new city and the possibilities for us to have the life we dream of are now available to us in a way there weren't where we were before. So the pressure to make a decision, to make a move for our family, has finally lifted and i know we are where we're meant to be for awhile - it means that that energy is trying to find something else to pour itself into. Taking care of myself better, exercising, taking time alone, finding time for my relationship with R, are all bubbling to the surface. But they never feel important enough to commit myself too. maybe I'm ready to start.
how do I stay motivated? how do I make sure to put myself first sometimes without feeling guilty? how do I balance it all and help this ache go away.
I was watching "Julie and Julia" yesterday and it made me want to cry to see someone make a plan, commit to it, and follow through with something she set her mind to. I'm not someone who gives up or doesn't follow through - I just don't make any plans in case I won't stick to it, or I might let everyone down. I had dreams of travelling the world, and I did. I wanted a life with R and I have it. I wanted to be a mum and I am. Now I just need to figure out what I want and not be afraid to go for it.
How do I figure out what I want? Will that take the ache away? I spent months in therapy already trying to figure out what that is hoping that would take away some of my anxiety - and yet, here I am again, wondering. I wish i could see my therapist everyday, for free. Or maybe I need a coach to help give me guidance. I seem to have forgotten how to listen to my own intuition, my own inner voice, and I think its time to get it back.

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