Friday, August 27, 2010

10 Intentions

photo by declan maccullagh

As the air gets cooler and the days start to close in, I feel like its time to set some new goals and intentions - almost like its the new year. It always feels more like it in September to me than in January - a product a growing up in a household with teachers and on the campus of a school, I think.
1. I intend to try running regularly for a month. I will use the SunRun training program as a guide and make the commitment to do something for myself.
2. I intend to try a new recipe every week. I will find time to look up recipes online or in our books. I won't worry about how its going to turn out and just do it.
3. I intend to find a way for R and I to have some time alone. whether its a date night here at home after the Little Man goes to bed, or work on getting a babysitter.
4. I intend to go to at least three toddler activities every week and make an effort to spend time with our new friends.
5. I intend for us to have a few weekends away as a family - to Salt Spring, Tofino, and maybe England before Luke turns two.
6. I intend to find a way to bring in some money without having to send Luke off to childcare somewhere.
7. I intend to let go of my need for validation and approval from others and simply be present in my own life. give myself a break every once in awhile.
8. I intend to take my family on an adventure one day every weekend. Can be 5 minutes away or 2 hours - just something new and different.
9. I intend to trust my instincts as a mother and take it one day at a time.
10. I intend to let go of expectations and be surprised by life everyday.

It always amazes me how positive and open minded and relaxed I can sound when I'm writing. I wonder how I can get that through my own thick skull sometimes!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ache

I'm torn between going to have a nap with the Little man or enjoying some downtime on my own...I don't seem to need a sleep in the day the way I used to, maybe that means he is sleeping better. Or maybe I'm just aching for a little me time. I always give so much of myself to both my men and everyone else in my life, and always put myself second, or third or farther down the list. I don't feel like I deserve to do anything for me first - it's even more so now that I have a child to take care of. I can always put him first and feel no guilt. It gives me every excuse I need to continue to ignore me.
But lately, I've been feeling an ache for something more - it is coming right from my core. My life in general is wonderful right now - we moved to a wonderful new city and the possibilities for us to have the life we dream of are now available to us in a way there weren't where we were before. So the pressure to make a decision, to make a move for our family, has finally lifted and i know we are where we're meant to be for awhile - it means that that energy is trying to find something else to pour itself into. Taking care of myself better, exercising, taking time alone, finding time for my relationship with R, are all bubbling to the surface. But they never feel important enough to commit myself too. maybe I'm ready to start.
how do I stay motivated? how do I make sure to put myself first sometimes without feeling guilty? how do I balance it all and help this ache go away.
I was watching "Julie and Julia" yesterday and it made me want to cry to see someone make a plan, commit to it, and follow through with something she set her mind to. I'm not someone who gives up or doesn't follow through - I just don't make any plans in case I won't stick to it, or I might let everyone down. I had dreams of travelling the world, and I did. I wanted a life with R and I have it. I wanted to be a mum and I am. Now I just need to figure out what I want and not be afraid to go for it.
How do I figure out what I want? Will that take the ache away? I spent months in therapy already trying to figure out what that is hoping that would take away some of my anxiety - and yet, here I am again, wondering. I wish i could see my therapist everyday, for free. Or maybe I need a coach to help give me guidance. I seem to have forgotten how to listen to my own intuition, my own inner voice, and I think its time to get it back.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The need for some inspiration


I don't know if its the smell of fall in the air this week or just something else going on with the universe, but I'm totally feeling like its a time for new possibilities and opportunities. I'm feeling like I need some inspiration to kick start things again and keep myself motivated. I have this urge to become someone who is a runner, someone who is creative and has time to explore projects like sewing and decorating the Boy's room. I need to start taking better care of myself, but eating cookies and chocolate and crappy food is much easier and much more fun. I don't seem to have the energy to push beyond the sweets and get out and exercise or eat better or do more for just me. I am working hard on taking one night a week when R gets home to go out and do something just for me - so far I've done it for one week! I haven't told anyone I want to start running because I'm afraid I won't live up to any expectations or won't be able to commit to anything yet with our busy boy schedule. He's growing up really fast, but he still needs a lot - its pretty relentless really. I know that in order to be a good mum to him, I need to take care of me and make sure I'm healthy and happy too - outside of things in our house and these relationships. But its so hard to do the work, to feel brave enough, to take the steps to make it a reality. Maybe I need to break it down into baby steps. Maybe I need to find a support network of some sort. I can't really afford to sign up for a running class, but there must be something online i can use to help me stay motivated. What keeps you motivated? I need to do it for me, otherwise it won't stick. But I can't do it on my own this time.
When I was 21, I spent the summer in San Francisco at my aunt and uncle's - it changed my life. I ran almost everyday and didn't tell anyone at home I was doing it because I didn't want to let them down or set myself up for public failure. I had a sign on my door that said - "get up and run, you're worth it." Time to make a new sign...