Friday, July 23, 2010

A roller coaster of a job

This has been quite the week - still on my own as far as my daytimes with Luke and have found it an incredible emotional roller coaster. This job, being a mum, can knock me on my ass on a regular basis and I'm always surprised by that. I wish I had more patience, especially at the end of the day when he's reached his max. I wish I had a mum coach to tell me I'm making the right decisions, how to make our days run smoother, and how to help him grow up confident and comfortable in his own skin - and how to do the same for myself. I know I'm still relatively new at this job, but its got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Being home with him is all I want to do, but I need to find a way to have more balance so that I don't feel like I'm going to lose it on him regularly. He's now a toddler and gets frustrated much easier than he used to, and is more determined to do what he wants - whether he understands me or not - and I'm finding this extremely challenging. I don't know what tools I need to help us both make our way through this next phase without leaving any permanent scars. Our maybe I need to accept that scars are part of the process and that he's not going to feel the mark for long.
Just need to keep my head up and keep it in perspective - I could be at work, watching this beautiful summer pass me by through a window, while my son is being taken care of by someone else.

Monday, July 12, 2010

In need of an outlet

I haven't been on here in ages, but finally am finding I have more time at night once he's gone to bed to write a bit. We've moved cities and started a whole new life since I last posted, and am reeling a bit from it all. I know we made the right choice in taking the plunge to start over somewhere new, but it all feels a bit hard at the moment. I'm finding the hardest part not having my mum support network around me anymore. I am spending all day on my own with my little boy and as grateful as I am to be able to do that, I'm finding it hard not having a grown up to talk to, especially someone else going through the same thing. I knew I was pretty lucky to have the women around me in our old life, and I miss them - even though they drove me crazy sometimes too. Its bad timing here because all the drop ins have stopped for the summer, all the ways I know how to meet other mums aren't available to me right now, so I am struggling a bit and not sure how I'm going to sort it all out. We'll be fine come September, when everything starts up again - but I need to make it through the next two months without losing my mind. Sigh...
I'm also finding the Little Man has become quite challenging in the past few weeks - becoming more independent, adjusting to new surroundings, being more picky about all sorts of things he didn't used to seem to mind about (especially food!!), and I'm reminded over and over that I don't seem to have the patience I would like to have. Where can I find more? how do I relax and just go with the flow a bit more, instead of panicking and thinking these changes will be forever? He doesn't want to go in the bath - is it because he freaked out at the swimming lessons we tried to go to and I pushed him too much? or is it just because he's so tired and teething and just adjusting? is he feeling my emotions bleeding into his world - my anxiety about our new life, my fears about how things are going to play out?? so many questions and no one to talk to...hence the need to start blogging again. I just needed a place to vent and get it out of my head - maybe then I will sleep a bit better, instead of laying awake listening to the two of them snoring and wishing I was them.