Monday, November 29, 2010

searching...

Searching for answers to too many questions. Searching for ways...
  • to feel more like myself
  • to have more time to do things I enjoy
  • to figure out what I really want from my life
  • to figure out how to feel more productive
  • to have a project that I can start, relish in, and complete
  • to have more time alone with R
  • to feel like a good mum
  • to feel confident
  • to see our families more often without breaking the bank
  • to stop feeling guilty
  • to have deeper relationships on a daily basis
  • to be more authentic
  • to find more time to exercise and make it a priority again
  • to feel better/more confident about the decisions I/we are making around sleeping and eating and breastfeeding
  • to believe in myself
  • for unconditional love and acceptance
  • to carve more time out of the day
  • for the Little man to nap longer
  • to be brave and start working on getting a babysitter
  • to find a way to go to the movies again
  • to stop eating so much crap
  • to have time to work on me, just me
  • to accept just me
  • to feed the Little Man better, everyday
  • to become more a part of our new community
  • celebrate the holidays with little money
  • to relax into parenthood, even after 18 months
  • to see beyond today with hope and a positive outlook
  • to keep things into perspective
  • to stop comparing myself and my life to everyone else
  • to stop caring what other people think
  • to stop trying to please everyone else at my own expense
  • to find a way not to be afraid of anger - mine or anyone else's
  • to see beyond the image in the mirror
  • to connect with my brother more
  • to love my sister without judgement
  • to have more fun in our lives
  • to simply be grateful for my wonderful life
  • to just breath

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Love this time of year

I love this time of year. I love the fresh air, the colours, the smell in the air. I always feel inspired, but once again, I'm finding I have nowhere to pour it into.
I really want to write on here more often, but never seem to find the time. The little man's naps are getting shorter, which means my Me Time is shrinking as well, just when I was getting used to having it. I always want to use this time well, but end up faffing around and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. It might help if I knew what I wanted.
I'm always amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I go through in a normal week. In the moment, it always feels like the be all and end all of everything. But once I am able to talk it through with someone or just simply come out the other side, I realize how silly i have been, how wrapped up in it all I can get when there's no reason. And I'm tired of finding myself stressing and obsessing over all the same things, year after year. When will I figure it out? When will I learn not to let it take over? When will I learn that life doesn't have to be spent worrying, being overwhelmed, and not havign any confidence in myself or my decisions. My therapist said my big goal is to figure out what I really want and set up a game plan to reach for my dreams and goals - then the anxiety and fear and uncertainty may actually diminish. If only it could be that simple. If only I could figure out what it is I want out of my life. Why does that have to be so hard? why do I have to constantly question what I want or why I don't have enough money to make it happen right away?!
Here's a list for today:
  • a house of our own in a nice neighbourhood like this one, with a yard, and space to make it our own
  • friends to spend time with during the week and on the weekends; friends for all three of us
  • a project of my own, something creative that I have time for, that allows me to learn something new
  • a healthy, fit body and soul
  • my relationship with R to find its way to a new connection, for us to have time just the two of us
  • a way to make some money without having to go back to work; something i can do from home, that feels useful
  • money to spend on new clothes, fun stuff for the Little Man
  • a holiday - to Salt Spring island, England, Italy, Hawaii, New Zealand
  • confidence in myself, my parenting skills, my decisions for me and my family;self esteem
  • time on my own to regroup, relax, and recharge regularly
  • more energy, more inspiration, more motivation
  • a chance to go golfing again
  • to be able to tell the future so I can breath better
I guess I have a few things on my mind when I sit and think about it!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

What a week

My computer is acting up and driving me crazy - not what I need right now!! The Little Man is asleep and all I want to do is use this time productively and technology just gets in my way and makes me angry. After a week of early mornings starting before 6am, a lack of social interaction with grown ups due to poor scheduling on my part, and too much time in my head, I just need a break - I mean, really. All I wanted to do was watch Grey's Anatomy online and even that feels impossible right now. I miss it on Thursday nights because we watch Fringe instead, R's favorite show. I try to use nap time to catch up on things, like email and surfing and thinking, but this week, I've slept everyday due to total exhaustion. And to top it off, R had to work today, Saturday, which is a good thing financially, but not a good thing emotionally or mentally for me. I'm probably hormonal, definitely lonely, and all these emotions make sense - doesn't make it any easier to have a week like this and not feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I need someone impartial, like my wonderful therapist in Vancouver was. If only she would move here and let me see her once a week for free, I'm sure I'd feel a hundred times better!

I'm finding that the running is really helping, but I only do it three times a week. If my body and my family could handle more, I would probably aim to go five times a week, but I'm not there yet. With long nights of broken sleep this week, I find myself laying awake rethinking all the decisions we have made about sharing our bed, still breastfeeding him, and everything else, and it doesn't make for very confident days. We haven't changed anything because it feels like too much work to make any significant changes - I'm too tired to even think about having to get out of bed 3-5 times a night to help him back to sleep if he's in his own room. I guess we're just not to a breaking point yet and still feel the resolve to stay committed to our original goals. New parents are tired - probably till he's about 3 or 4 years old, I would think. It's a normal part of raising kids. But man oh man is it tough!!! I used to worry about him getting too upset if we tried to rock the boat - now I'm more worried about how much work will be required, and determination, and commitment and I don't feel like I have much of those at all these days.
Whew. needed this space to vent a bit and feel better already. I don't know how I will find more confidence as a parent, or the time to do everything, or even the ability to just let it go - let me know if you have any ideas!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

keep on moving

image found on google

Week two of my running program and things are still moving along nicely. I find having a plan is my saviour, it keeps me focused and lets me know what I'm doing each day. I don't feel the same dread about going running that I used to either - maybe because I have to fit my time into a specific window of time each day, between Dad getting home from work and dinner time, so I have no choice but to do it then or don't do it at all. It feels good!!
I'm just shuffling along, but I'm moving and doing something for me, and I'm sticking to it!
Just need to start to eat better and we'll be all good. Maybe getting a good night sleep now and then as well. :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

happiness


I'm feeling content today. Pure, simple, happiness. I don't want to jinx it by saying it out loud, but I can't help myself today. There's nothing particular that's happened, or going to happen, just life in general. It rained yesterday, one of the first times since we moved here three months ago, and it was quite the wake up call - but today arrived with bright blue skies and beautiful sunshine, a perfect fall day. The little man and I hit the beach, the playground, and now he's napping - all before noon. Getting up early definitely has its advantages. I've run twice this week, and it feels like its something i'm actually going to stick with - a positive change. We met some more nice people at the playground and I'm so excited to have other mums to talk to again.

We spent so much time in the past year trying to figure out where to move so that we could feel real again and now that we're here and it fits us like a glove, we can actually breath and be happy again. We had a great talk about the funk we've been in and how we are ready to make some big changes in how we live. We have both been active people our whole lives until we ended up in Vancouver, and now we want it back. we are both so easily swayed to laziness - and don't always help each other do anything to change that - but we want to now. we want to be active for Luke, so he grows up moving and playing and running around. We want to take the steps to do things we like - like golfing, biking, exercise, hanging out with friends, doing things to help the planet - instead of just talking about it and making excuses. and we're going to do it together.
happiness - what a treat!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

And so it begins...

I did it, I went for my first run today. I have taken the first few steps towards my goal of becoming a more active person. I'm trying to keep it low key, so that I don't put any undue pressure on myself - I'm not telling anyone I'm doing this (except a chosen few), I'm not making a big fuss around the house, or in my head - at least not yet. I'm hoping that keeping it basic will help me stay motivated and just make it part of my weekly schedule. I'm using a running program design for those training for the Vancouver SunRun, something I've never done before, and it feels like its really going to help me stay on track by having a bit of guidance and a specific plan. I won't have to think about how long to go or what I should do each time.
This week I'll run two more times, enjoy every moment on my own, and just keep working at it. I'm hoping it will help with my anxiety and give me more energy to keep up with my little man. Maybe it will even make me feel more like myself again, too - whatever that means!

Friday, August 27, 2010

10 Intentions

photo by declan maccullagh

As the air gets cooler and the days start to close in, I feel like its time to set some new goals and intentions - almost like its the new year. It always feels more like it in September to me than in January - a product a growing up in a household with teachers and on the campus of a school, I think.
1. I intend to try running regularly for a month. I will use the SunRun training program as a guide and make the commitment to do something for myself.
2. I intend to try a new recipe every week. I will find time to look up recipes online or in our books. I won't worry about how its going to turn out and just do it.
3. I intend to find a way for R and I to have some time alone. whether its a date night here at home after the Little Man goes to bed, or work on getting a babysitter.
4. I intend to go to at least three toddler activities every week and make an effort to spend time with our new friends.
5. I intend for us to have a few weekends away as a family - to Salt Spring, Tofino, and maybe England before Luke turns two.
6. I intend to find a way to bring in some money without having to send Luke off to childcare somewhere.
7. I intend to let go of my need for validation and approval from others and simply be present in my own life. give myself a break every once in awhile.
8. I intend to take my family on an adventure one day every weekend. Can be 5 minutes away or 2 hours - just something new and different.
9. I intend to trust my instincts as a mother and take it one day at a time.
10. I intend to let go of expectations and be surprised by life everyday.

It always amazes me how positive and open minded and relaxed I can sound when I'm writing. I wonder how I can get that through my own thick skull sometimes!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ache

I'm torn between going to have a nap with the Little man or enjoying some downtime on my own...I don't seem to need a sleep in the day the way I used to, maybe that means he is sleeping better. Or maybe I'm just aching for a little me time. I always give so much of myself to both my men and everyone else in my life, and always put myself second, or third or farther down the list. I don't feel like I deserve to do anything for me first - it's even more so now that I have a child to take care of. I can always put him first and feel no guilt. It gives me every excuse I need to continue to ignore me.
But lately, I've been feeling an ache for something more - it is coming right from my core. My life in general is wonderful right now - we moved to a wonderful new city and the possibilities for us to have the life we dream of are now available to us in a way there weren't where we were before. So the pressure to make a decision, to make a move for our family, has finally lifted and i know we are where we're meant to be for awhile - it means that that energy is trying to find something else to pour itself into. Taking care of myself better, exercising, taking time alone, finding time for my relationship with R, are all bubbling to the surface. But they never feel important enough to commit myself too. maybe I'm ready to start.
how do I stay motivated? how do I make sure to put myself first sometimes without feeling guilty? how do I balance it all and help this ache go away.
I was watching "Julie and Julia" yesterday and it made me want to cry to see someone make a plan, commit to it, and follow through with something she set her mind to. I'm not someone who gives up or doesn't follow through - I just don't make any plans in case I won't stick to it, or I might let everyone down. I had dreams of travelling the world, and I did. I wanted a life with R and I have it. I wanted to be a mum and I am. Now I just need to figure out what I want and not be afraid to go for it.
How do I figure out what I want? Will that take the ache away? I spent months in therapy already trying to figure out what that is hoping that would take away some of my anxiety - and yet, here I am again, wondering. I wish i could see my therapist everyday, for free. Or maybe I need a coach to help give me guidance. I seem to have forgotten how to listen to my own intuition, my own inner voice, and I think its time to get it back.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The need for some inspiration


I don't know if its the smell of fall in the air this week or just something else going on with the universe, but I'm totally feeling like its a time for new possibilities and opportunities. I'm feeling like I need some inspiration to kick start things again and keep myself motivated. I have this urge to become someone who is a runner, someone who is creative and has time to explore projects like sewing and decorating the Boy's room. I need to start taking better care of myself, but eating cookies and chocolate and crappy food is much easier and much more fun. I don't seem to have the energy to push beyond the sweets and get out and exercise or eat better or do more for just me. I am working hard on taking one night a week when R gets home to go out and do something just for me - so far I've done it for one week! I haven't told anyone I want to start running because I'm afraid I won't live up to any expectations or won't be able to commit to anything yet with our busy boy schedule. He's growing up really fast, but he still needs a lot - its pretty relentless really. I know that in order to be a good mum to him, I need to take care of me and make sure I'm healthy and happy too - outside of things in our house and these relationships. But its so hard to do the work, to feel brave enough, to take the steps to make it a reality. Maybe I need to break it down into baby steps. Maybe I need to find a support network of some sort. I can't really afford to sign up for a running class, but there must be something online i can use to help me stay motivated. What keeps you motivated? I need to do it for me, otherwise it won't stick. But I can't do it on my own this time.
When I was 21, I spent the summer in San Francisco at my aunt and uncle's - it changed my life. I ran almost everyday and didn't tell anyone at home I was doing it because I didn't want to let them down or set myself up for public failure. I had a sign on my door that said - "get up and run, you're worth it." Time to make a new sign...

Friday, July 23, 2010

A roller coaster of a job

This has been quite the week - still on my own as far as my daytimes with Luke and have found it an incredible emotional roller coaster. This job, being a mum, can knock me on my ass on a regular basis and I'm always surprised by that. I wish I had more patience, especially at the end of the day when he's reached his max. I wish I had a mum coach to tell me I'm making the right decisions, how to make our days run smoother, and how to help him grow up confident and comfortable in his own skin - and how to do the same for myself. I know I'm still relatively new at this job, but its got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Being home with him is all I want to do, but I need to find a way to have more balance so that I don't feel like I'm going to lose it on him regularly. He's now a toddler and gets frustrated much easier than he used to, and is more determined to do what he wants - whether he understands me or not - and I'm finding this extremely challenging. I don't know what tools I need to help us both make our way through this next phase without leaving any permanent scars. Our maybe I need to accept that scars are part of the process and that he's not going to feel the mark for long.
Just need to keep my head up and keep it in perspective - I could be at work, watching this beautiful summer pass me by through a window, while my son is being taken care of by someone else.

Monday, July 12, 2010

In need of an outlet


I haven't been on here in ages, but finally am finding I have more time at night once he's gone to bed to write a bit. We've moved cities and started a whole new life since I last posted, and am reeling a bit from it all. I know we made the right choice in taking the plunge to start over somewhere new, but it all feels a bit hard at the moment. I'm finding the hardest part not having my mum support network around me anymore. I am spending all day on my own with my little boy and as grateful as I am to be able to do that, I'm finding it hard not having a grown up to talk to, especially someone else going through the same thing. I knew I was pretty lucky to have the women around me in our old life, and I miss them - even though they drove me crazy sometimes too. Its bad timing here because all the drop ins have stopped for the summer, all the ways I know how to meet other mums aren't available to me right now, so I am struggling a bit and not sure how I'm going to sort it all out. We'll be fine come September, when everything starts up again - but I need to make it through the next two months without losing my mind. Sigh...
I'm also finding the Little Man has become quite challenging in the past few weeks - becoming more independent, adjusting to new surroundings, being more picky about all sorts of things he didn't used to seem to mind about (especially food!!), and I'm reminded over and over that I don't seem to have the patience I would like to have. Where can I find more? how do I relax and just go with the flow a bit more, instead of panicking and thinking these changes will be forever? He doesn't want to go in the bath - is it because he freaked out at the swimming lessons we tried to go to and I pushed him too much? or is it just because he's so tired and teething and just adjusting? is he feeling my emotions bleeding into his world - my anxiety about our new life, my fears about how things are going to play out?? so many questions and no one to talk to...hence the need to start blogging again. I just needed a place to vent and get it out of my head - maybe then I will sleep a bit better, instead of laying awake listening to the two of them snoring and wishing I was them.